Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

[dadbeatdad]

Why hello there. You've reached Lucifer Morningstar. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message after the tone and I might get back to you. Make it good~ Byyyyyyye~

Comments

[bluediligence]

They're … [ a pause, with the thoughtful air of someone gingerly poking something strange with a stick ] … not tied to them, just affected by them? Mm.

[ Not internalised into your personhood. They're not her and she isn't them. Of course. She agrees, always has; they don't get to define who she is or what she does. ]

[ (So why did she—?) ]

[ She gives Ringo a tighter squish for four seconds. ]

It sounds like a good idea. … Yeah. I'm okay with it. We'll probably step on a few rakes along the way, but — we can deal with that. [ We as in the three of them sitting in the kitchen, or we as in them? Excellent question. ]

[dadbeatdad]

I would be glad to do that, yes. We can. Um. Rakes? As in...? We might hit a few issues during the guided mediation? Okay. We can have snacks and things around and a phrase or sign when we need to disconnect and stop.

Would any of them perhaps activate while trying to separate your personhood from them? I suppose we should think about that first. I don't want to activate and possibly have the opposite affect than what we're trying to accomplish.

[castaside]

"Possibly rakes as in she has a lot of triggers and sometimes they get grazed." He's done this with Choco, after all. "But a trusted person being willing to stop or pause can make all the difference."

He nods at Lucifer's assessment. "Better for that separation issue to happen in guided meditation than when we're trying the real thing. Workarounds are always an option if we know the pitfalls."

[bluediligence]

Rakes as in … [ She nods. A few issues is potentially an Understatement, and Papaque knows the score. ] Yeah, pretty much.

[ Her legs swing lightly, gently, beneath the table. Swing, swing. ]

I have some identity issues. [ She gives Ringo another measured squeeze—relax—squeeze—relax, centering herself, even as her gaze slides away from Macaque and Lucifer. ] … DID, essentially. And it's — [ She wiggles one wing in lieu of a handwave-y gesture. Give her a moment, she's looking for A) the right words and B) the right order to put them in. ]

Um.

[ H. Hmmm. ]

… So, um, thinking about it — I think the objectives and taboos might be mine? [ Another Ringo squish for the road! ] Or, um. 'Mine'. Inverted commas. … Like — electrical wiring, it runs through the whole house but there's a central fuse box in one room?

[ She pauses a moment, legs still swinging. ]

[ Taps her toes against the floor. Shakes her head as if to clear it, and looks back at the two of them. ]

Less personhood … more identity. [ Which in some cases is maybe probably at least slightly tied to personhood. Maybe. ] The big taboo is our original's name, and it's tied directly to Epsilon. There was a long time where I could barely think about color associations without slipping in a bad way. It's more manageable now, between the heart game, therapy, and learning to … think around things really carefully?

… All that to say — while that taboo won't actually activate, taking our time with guided meditation would be for the best. I can teach you some of the signs I use when I know I'm getting stuck. And Dad's amazing — he's really, really good at recognising what's happening and helping me out. [ Sometimes she doesn't know she's slipping or falling until it's already happened. It sucks! But her papa is wonderful and incredible and she loves him very, very much. ]

[dadbeatdad]

Oh. Okay. Rakes. Hmm. Alright. The taboos were external and tied to parts of identity but they are added and are tied to aspects of her identities? Yes? Is that about right as I am understanding you. Each of your identities are part of your personhood. Like the trinity.

How familiar are you with Christianity, Choco-chan? Just to make sure. But yes. I think guided medication, signs and me learning that, and us taking it nice and slow. Working at your pace, whatever that ends up being.

It won't be simple but I know we can get through it so you're primed for the Ninpo when you're all ready to try. There's too much support in his house to fail, if you ask me.

[castaside]

Macaque blinks a few times, going still for a second when Epsilon is mentioned. Sometimes it bothers him a little, sometimes not, but it's a minor detour. He has bigger things to focus on.

He blinks again, though for a different reason, when the trinity is mentioned. It's sure a comparison.

"We've done some explorations that went reasonably well, and Lucifer is nothing if not careful." It'll be fine.

Of course Macaque is going to be a little nervous at subjecting his precious daughter to anything that might hurt, but it's necessary.

[bluediligence]

[ She briefly catches Macaque's eye, noting that pause, but doesn't otherwise make a thing of it.

And then it's her turn to blink. ]

The — [ Trinity? What? ] … Not much. [ Sheepishly rubs the back of her head with the elbow of one wing. ] Mostly basic references picked up from Western media. Maybe bits and pieces from Imeeji's bullshit? But I don't think that counts and I'd have to dig for it anyway.

[ Sllllow kicky legs back and forth as she revisits the Identity and Personhood question. ]

The objectives and taboos make the fragmentation worse, but we're still — we're …

[ The off-white patches on her wings shift to a very specific shade of blue — the same blue as her eyes. She points to it! ] We're still blue. We, our soul, is always blue. Koronai's color is [ the feathers (and one eye) shift to teal ] and Korone is [ another shift, this time to a shade very reminiscent to ripe plums ] … but we — as a system — are fragmented aspects of one whole soul. Korone is Korone and Koronai is Koronai, but we're also each other and our original all at the same time.

[ Their eye and feathers shift fade back to their usual coloration. She gives her head another shake, blinking hard a couple of times to clear away the disorientation. ]

[dadbeatdad]

[Lucifer makes a little note to try and not to mention Epsilon around Macaque whenever possible. Let's not do that. He caught the strange far off glance that appeared the second the name was mentioned. Though at least Korone and the other one, Koronai, just described something that was very much the trinity.]

The Trinity is what you described. Three aspects, each whole upon themselves, and part of the whole all at the same time. With that in mind, what we'll focus on in our guided meditations, will be those objectives and taboos. Separating them from the trinity. Acknowledging and working through knowing they, in principle, are the other. They were placed upon you. A wound to heal. A plaque to remove. Making it easier for your family and this Ninpo to remove them.

[castaside]

Macaque continues petting bunny Lucifer as if to reassure him that all is well. Between Macaque and Korone spacing out a bit with the Epsilon namedrop and Korone dissociating and Koronai coming out, that might have been a lot. He seems to be taking it in stride, though. Good.

"Any way I can help during this process? I'm happy to stay out of it if not. Sometimes three's a crowd."

[bluediligence]

[ Blink. Blink. She blinks again, squeezing her eyes tight shut and mussing up her glasses to rub at them. The Trinity is what you described, Lucifer says, and she thinks — Korone thinks she's following. No lost time. Just that skippy missed step sensation. ]

Acknowledging and working through knowing they, in principle, are the other … [ Korone fixes her glasses, shakes her hands out, and settles back into her seat. ] That makes sense.

[ She bites back the urge to apologise, instead looking to Macaque when he asks his question. ]

Having you with me would help a lot. [ There's a small touch of sheepishness in her smile, but a whole lot of quiet affection. ] I always feel safest wherever you are.

[ The safer she feels, the easier it is to keep her balance and recover. ]

[dadbeatdad]

[It is a lot. Lucifer is just rolling with it. Be Not Afraid is what the angels say to humans when they reveal their true form. He will not be afraid of what Choco shows him. It's all still the kind young woman who has been through a lot, who is his friend, and who he tortures with gifts and is tortured in return.]

I agree. You being there with us is a calming safety net. If we step on too many rakes in close succession on accident, you can step in if needed. Can help if I miss a sign. And make the exercise feel safe.

[castaside]

Macaque gives Choco a soft smile. "Of course. I'll always be there when you need or want me." It's not a question.

"When do we want to try this?"

[bluediligence]

[ Wow, hey, put down the steel chair! ... So thinketh the pigeon who picked it up and practically handed it to him. There's a very brief, easily missed stutter in her breathing; a gap where a chirp may have been. But she smiles back at him, soft and warm like he personally hung the moon in the sky, so clearly she's not upset. ]

Right back at you. [ She's his daughter, he's her dad, she would still tie herself into some incredible pretzels in the name of supporting him. Love Papaque. ]

[ She smiles at Lucifer as well, relieved and grateful and trying very, very hard not to let Birdensome Feelings get the better of her. ]

Thank you. Again. I … [ She shakes her head, chuckling faintly. ] I know it's, all this is a lot … so — thank you. [ Which brings them on to timing. ]

Prob'ly should avoid mornings before I work ... [ and her weekly sessions with her regular therapist ] But other than that, I'm up for trying whenever you guys are.

[dadbeatdad]

[Get loves on you two nerds!]

How about after your work shifts on days you don't have something planned after? A few days a week maybe? To start and see how it goes.

[castaside]

He gives Choco a wink.

"I'll make myself available whenever the best time is. Also, do we want to let Wash know? Maybe he could help." Since he's also a source of safety and he's known her much longer.

[bluediligence]

Mm! [ excuse her while she teleports a weekly planner notepad into her hands, it is adorable and color-coded and there's so much written on it on every single day ] A lot of this stuff can be shuffled around …

[ flips to the next page (which has a lot written on it already), and then the next after that. she hums and nods to herself. ]

Looks like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays would be easiest. [ as for Wash — ]

… I think I told Wash-nii … something about it? Back in January? [ she tilts her head, scrunching her nose in thought. ] We had cookies and cocoa and we were gonna walk and talk … [ hmnnnnnnnn. ] … ugh, I know the memory's in there somewhere. [ STUPID BRAIN.

Cheekpuff!! Deflates with an exasperated sigh. ]

Well, anyway, I'd be happy to have Wash-nii there.

[dadbeatdad]

Lucifer bunny sees all the writing and his nose twitches a little faster.

"Oh my. You certainly have a full schedule. Reminds me of my time back home. Back to back meetings, hearings, trials, and shows. You certainly keep busy, Choco-chan." It's impressive. Wash being there for further security makes sense. And it's for Choco so it's easy for Lucifer.

"Then let's aim for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings? Early if we can so later plans can be something planned for destressing after?"

[castaside]

"And yet she still finds time to spoil us all rotten."

He nods. "I can plan for those days, no problem. And I'm sure Wash can make the time." he always prioritizes Choco. As he should.

[bluediligence]

[ Rubs the back of her head, grinning bashfully … and yet somehow simultaneously unrepentantly. ]

Spoiling you guys is the best part of my day. [ Truer facts have never been spoken. ] The rest is … I'm still getting used to having so much - [ freedom, she almost says ] time; keeping active helps me relax. … As weird as that might sound.

[ She scribbles down a couple of notes, nodding along. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Early evening. ]

Destressing after is a good idea …

[ She pauses a moment, tapping her pen to the page. Twirls it, tap tap, twirl twirl twirl. Three taps, five twirls. ]

Would it help to know in advance what the objectives and taboos are?

[dadbeatdad]

"Spoiling is fun indeed."

Almost to emphasis it, Lucifer bunny looks up and with a stretch, gives little rabbit kisses to Macaque's chin.

"I think it would yes. If you can talk about them without anything bad happening. Or you could write them down if that's okay? Whatever works best."

[castaside]

He chuckles at Lucifer. "Behave, now."

Macaque nods at the idea of explaining them or writing them down. He knows some of them but not all.

[bluediligence]

[ Averting her eyes from the bunny kisses…!! ]

I can talk about them. Some are just, um. [ … She puffs out a cheek. Sighs. ] Um … embarrassing? … And others are kind of dramatic.

[ And there's the whole vulnerability aspect of spelling out to someone all the cool fun ways they could influence and potentially hurt her, for better or for worse. Lucifer won't, he wouldn't, but a trust fall is a trust fall and this one has stakes. ]

So, the objectives …

[ A measured breath in and out. ]

Um. Compliments and praise; using magic and abilities; enacting and-or participating in violence; blood … in general, but especially if I make someone else bleed; physical contact; making promises; keeping promises; not covering up my scars … um … biting … and — [ she rubs the back of her neck ] … other people touching my neck … and a bigger one for, um … for people touching the back of my neck specifically.

[ Her heart rate kicks up a notch or six when she's talking about those last two in particular. She doesn't look especially comfortable, either, though she's doing a decent job keeping a lid on it all.

And. Hey. Hey, Macaque.

Remember the muzzle? The muzzle that fastened around her neck like a collar?

Welcome to a whole new layer of ick. ]

[dadbeatdad]

Lucifer wants to say something about being the devil and behaving is not his style but he doesn't. First because it is a request from Macaque so he'll behave. Second because then Choco goes into her description and elaboration of those objectives and there is a through line to them Lucifer sees. Praise, neck touches, scruff grabbing, biting, violence, and bloodshed. It feels grotesque.

Sinners and Overlords would do things like that to each other. The cruel ones. The ones that enjoyed the suffering and subjugation of their subjects. The Hellborn weren't much better at times either with the Sins. Lucifer, once upon a time, wouldn't bat an eye at something like this. After all, he lived in Hell for so long.

Choco Korone didn't deserve that. She wasn't in hell because of her own deeds. She was dragged to these Hells for nothing more than selfish and greedy desires. He shifts out of his rabbit form and pulls himself off Macaque's lap. Not much in the mood for cute cuddles right now. He sits, crossing one leg over another, and he breathes out a little fire, his horns growing on his head.

"I have many a word for all of that but none of it directed at you. Thank you for telling me all of that. I am sure it was hard for you."

[castaside]

Macaque listens to her list, progressively getting angrier and angrier. Yes, he recalls the jar muzzle, and he's also thinking about bites from her datemates and that impact, and revealing her scars... how dare they.

If Choco reciting her list hadn't made Lucifer behave, Macaque's demeanor would have. Although his expression only darkens a bit, since he doesn't want Choco to think he's angry at her for whatever reason, bunny Lucifer will absolutely feel Macaque's hackles go up to near maximum before he shifts. Not the time for playful bunny kisses.

Lucifer's empathetic words drag Macaque back from the brink of needing to go to the training room and beat the fuck out of something.

"I'd like to see you free of those in general, and also some of them specifically are..." he trails off, trying to think of an adjective that doesn't make his anger show and coming up blank.

[bluediligence]

[ Macaque and Lucifer's reactions may be tempered — for her sake? — but their anger and disgust are palpable all the same. For … her sake?

It's a lot. It's … it's a lot. Not scary, there's nothing here for her to flinch from, but there's a weight to care. There's a weight to seeing, knowing, that what she's saying — what she's been through, who she is — has meaning. With meaning comes feeling and it's —

It's always a lot, and this is more than most. ]

[ She nods. Drags her hand away from her neck and gives her plush cat a tight hug. ]

Nn. Thank you for listening. [ She just about manages to hold back the apology that tries to follow. ] … In a way, the objectives — some of them, at least — are as bad as the taboos, if not worse.

Speaking of which … um, there was … and maybe kind of still is, but as far as I can tell it's not really active anymore? a taboo against wearing scarves. And one against haircuts. Then there's, um …

Not eating for twenty four hours or more; not sleeping for forty eight hours or more; breaking a promise; anyone breaking a promise they made to me; self-sacrifice, which can but doesn't have to include mortal peril; all of my team nicknames … [ she pauses ] Lott's usual nickname for me is fine. Wash-nii's hurts, if it's in reference to me specifically.

And our birth name.