dadbeatdad | Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

I didn't used to until after Macaque...after MK...and especially after I got here.

But no matter what, it seems to be that I did it wrong. I didn't do or say the right thing. I'm the one who fucks it up every time.

Allow me to, well, play my own advocate here.

Even with your Master when you first met? He put the circlet on you. Used it to hurt you. You were charged with protecting someone you didn't know. And you protect those you care about. Yet with him, you had to protect before you cared. Was there not, even a small part of you, that was scared to open up to him when the journey started?

It wasn't something I really thought about back then. Opening up wasn't much of a thought because I just wanted to finish and get home.

So...I dunno if I can answer that honestly. Maybe after the first time he used it a bunch.

So you didn't think about it but you followed your feelings. The want to get free. Go home.

What I'm getting at is, if you could think to that. That time and those feelings. After Macaque, and Mk.

Perhaps, just maybe, Red Son feels something similar with you. Since clearly you both have the same thoughts about one another. [He drinks more champagne.]

Maybe, but it's not like it's just Red Son.

Keep going. Who else?

...how would you feel if someone was so doubtful that they had to ask if you love them. That they didn't before because they were afraid of rejection...that...they were so in that mindset they need you to spell out for them that they can come to you for support...

[He stares at the bottle in his hands.]

...and you only find out something is wrong because his other mate already knows.

I would probably feel extremely shitty and like a loser. Which is how you're feeling right now.

[Lucifer takes another long drink.]

Love...is a language with many d-dialects. Every person has their own. Some overlap. Some are alien to one another. Some display love through actions. Others, gifts. Some, physical intimacy. And some with words. Words hold as much meaning as actions for some. Sometimes more. Where the opposite can be true for others.

Words aren't always cheap. Actions can lie. If you love someone, it isn't just about speaking your own love language. It's speaking theirs. But both loves should try to teach the other their love language.

Communication is a bitch and a half, I'll tell you that right now. But it's worth all the effort and all the pain.

...I was trying both...back then. I was always watching him, seeking him out first and making sure he was okay, spending time, grooming, finding him during storms to comfort him, I told him I wanted to spend the rest of forever with him. I only marked him, he was the only one who marked me.

[He lays over the arm of the couch, back to Lucifer.]

I didn't have any doubts. I knew he loved me, even though I didn't know he was afraid to say it. But I wasn't giving him what he needed...I can't give Red Son what he needs...

And they apparently do that for each other.

Which...I guess makes sense why Macaque never trusted me. If I can't give my mate, my family, my friends...what they need. If I'm untrustworthy...it just makes sense.

...Expectations and desires have to be expressed by both parties. That is for friendship, relationships, and family all.

And fearing something does not always mean distrust in the person. It can mean a failing of self-worth too.

Wukong, it isn't all on you. And people can get some things from certain people. That doesn't diminish their relationships with the others in their lives.

I'd like to believe that. But basically everyone I know can't be wrong. That's not how that works.

[He takes a long swig.]

It...makes me feel sometimes like...I dunno...something is wrong with me. People have said they were wrong, or they took it too far, or other people can be wrong...but it just...keeps happening. So it can't be that.

Wukong. Alright. What could be wrong with you? Can you name me something specific that you feel is wrong with you?

I...wish I could write the list. I'm bad at planning, drag the people I care about into danger, I'm a terrible mentor...a terrible friend.

And I didn't even realize the people I called my friends don't trust me.

...as a start.

I trust you.

[Lucifer says softly. He takes another drink and sets his bottle aside.]

Planning isn't everyone's strong suit. That's not a flaw, it is a lack of skill. If people follow you, or danger comes for you and your friends, unless you invited it or sought it out, that isn't your fault or a flaw.

You tell me how proud you are of MK and his growth. Part of being a mentor is allowing your student to face their demons themselves. Not to face their demons for them.

As for a friend, I find you to be a good friend, Wukong. And I doubt you are a terrible friend unless you are wearing a mask when you're around me.

[Wukong doesn't interrupt Lucifer, just listening to him talk and wishing he had that conviction.]

...then why do you think most people say I'm the problem?

Remember what I said about scapegoats? When relationships suffer, when someone is hurt by someone, they want someone to blame.

They can have legitimate grievances. Pain. But it's easier to focus on the faults of the other party than look inward sometimes at what they contributed to the relationship breaking down.

In the end, what you must ask them is that same question. Is it your words, your behavior, or just all of you that is a problem? Their answer will tell you if you can salvage that relationship or not.

But if you can't communicate with one another, they may answer one way, you hear it another, then they assume something else. For difficult conversations like that, it's best to have a mediator.

Maybe...maybe you're right. With Red Son...it doesn't matter what I do if I don't give him what he needs anyway.

Mediation might...well it can't burn things any faster.

Then here is an idea. Why not ask me? I could be your mediator.

...

[Wukong is quiet for a long moment, maybe long enough to appear like he dozed off or something.]

...do you want me to ask so you can say you were asked instead of that you offered?

[He looks at Lucifer finally.]

That and if you actually want help, you should ask for it. So both.

It's a brilliant plan, isn't it?

Well...half of asking for help is conceding that you need it soooo...

[He smiles a little finally.]

Since you're open to it, would you give mediation a go?

I would be glad to. Leave it up to me, Wukong.

But putting my mediator hat on, I'd like you to think about why you think your attempts to talk to Red Son have all crashed and burned. And did you go into them hoping it would work this time or did part of you think it would just end badly from the start?

Heh...well, Mr. Mediator, past experience tells me I probably said the wrong thing or didn't react the way he was hoping. It seems to be a thing that if he doesn't get what he needs first it doesn't really matter what else I do or what I did.

And yeah, I did think they would at least go...better. Better would have been great.

[He sighs in frustration, his tail flicking in annoyance.]

But nearly every conversation seems to go back to that. What he needs and that I don't fuck it up. Or what I need to change or do better with. Except after I...died. And when he showed me his ideal future.

What was this ideal future?

It was him with his and MK and Saya's...I'll be surprised if you don't know her...but their kids. A big home, with Macaque and I there. Just everyone being a family.

Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

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