dadbeatdad | Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

"I wouldn't be able to stay as mates with Red and call Choco my daughter. One would have to give, and I'm never giving up my child. So."

"Of course not," Lucifer knew he could never give up Charlie as his daughter. Of course Macaque couldn't give her up. This was a very hard problem to untangle.

"I will admit, this is very much a tricky problem."

Macaque deflates somewhat. "It is. There's a reason we had to break up. I couldn't detangle it right then and there, and I don't know how long it would take me to do so. If I even could."

"Thank you, though. Thank you for trying to help. What I want is MK back, and I am trying to keep that in my mind so I don't give up."

"I'm not going to give up helping you. One way or another. I will think on this and try to see if there are any books in the library about...anything similar to this," Lucifer kisses Macaque on the forehead again.

"We'll figure out about something. I am not going to stop until you tell me to."

Macaque draws a shaky, sobbing breath and kisses Lucifer gently, chastely on the mouth. "I love you. I hope nothing ever happens where I lose you." Those awful possibilities are on his mind now, understandably.

Lucifer kisses back, chastely and soft. He presses their foreheads together.

"I love you too. Nothing is going to happen that will cause you to lose me. Absolutely nothing, love. I know that like I know the sky in Hell is red."

"A few hours ago, I knew that nothing could cause me to lose MK, but I was wrong." His voice is breaking here and there.

"I hope you're right. Please be right."

Lucifer pulled Macaque against him and laid down with him. He kept his mate surrounded by his soft wings and kissed his forehead, then around his eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. ...It's okay to cry, love. It is okay to hope this works out and mourn what's happened."

The dissonance between how safe Lucifer's hold feels and how unsafe Macaque feels emotionally -- through no fault of Lucifer's, of course -- is so hard to reconcile.

But Macaque thinks about kissing MK, how that might have been the last time, and the tears fall.

Lucifer brushes the tears with his fingers and let's Macaque let it out. He needs to. This has to be so many emotions boiling inside him all at once. Macaque and loss are old friends and it's something he wished Macaque didn't have to feel again. He doesn't say anything. He holds his mate, brushing away the tears from his cheeks, and letting him just feel in this moment.

Macaque clings to Lucifer and tries to keep his breathing regulated even as the tears don't stop.

"I thought that if I had my temper under control, I'd be okay. But I wasn't angry. I wasn't cruel. And I lost him anyway."

Lucifer holds Macaque and rubs his back too.

"This isn't your fault, Macaque. It's unfortunate circumstances. This isn't your fault."

Macaque wants to argue with that, but he suddenly can't speak very well. So he just sheds tears for a short while.

And then: "Wukong and Red are going to hate me for abandoning him."

Lucifer shook his head. "No. No they won't. They will not hate you. They love you. They'll worry for you both. They will want to know how they can help."

"They love MK more. And I'm the one that hurt him." Macaque says this like it's indisputable fact.

Lucifer winces hearing him say those words with that tone. Like he was saying the sky is blue or gravity works.

"I can't speak for them but I don't believe that. Give them a chance to show you that isn't how they feel. Give them the chance to surprise you." Lucifer doesn't want to just tell Macaque he's wrong but make room, hopefully, in Macaque's head and heart that they love him as much as they love Mk. That they won't see it as though Macaque is in the wrong. What's happened is unfortunate but it isn't any one person's fault.

All Macaque can do is nod miserably. He'll try his best. But even the movement is sluggish, like he already knows the result.

Lucifer is just going to hold and snuggle against Macaque. His mind thinking of solutions that spare Wylan and MK as best as possible while removing this problem so Macaque can be with his mate again.

"If only someone else could sweep Wylan off his feet and be in a monogamous relationship with him. That would solve pretty much everything."

Macaque sniffles and considers that.

"I guess so. But Wylan would have to give MK up, and I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to be with him. He's wonderful."

"He is wonderful, but that doesn't mean someone might not be a better match for Wylan. Just thinking and hoping out loud, that's all." He pets Macaque's hair still.

"I appreciate it. A neat and clean solution would be great, if it could just fall out of the sky. Please and thank you."

Macaque is still in abject misery, but here's to hoping. "I'm sorry that I'm making finding a solution difficult. I'm not trying to."

Lucifer kisses the top of Macaque's head.

"Hey. It is a difficult problem. They have difficult solutions. There is an answer out there and someone will find it."

"I hope so." And he hopes the answer wasn't what he did, breaking it off with MK so the other two could be happy. Because he wants to dive into a tunnel and never come out...

Except that Lucifer is here with him, supporting, helping, and that keeps him out of the all-or-nothing mindset enough.

"I love you. I really can't say it enough right now. You're keeping me from having very drastic feelings."

Lucifer can see such a familiar look in Macaque's eyes. Almost the same when he's in his depressive episodes and looks in the mirror. He cups his mate's cheek and kisses his nose.

"I love you too. And you do the same for me. I'll catch you when you fall and fly you back up. Every time, love."

Hearing that almost makes Macaque start crying again, but he takes a few sharp breaths and tries not to fall into that.

"Can we just lay here for a while? Talking about anything else? It might be hard to change the subject, but I need a break. Tell me what projects you're working on."

Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

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