dadbeatdad | Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

Oh that is a huge red flag. Very very red and loud.

"Um. I think so? We talked about it about how you work. How old you are and your memories right? You sleep and wake up without memories? If I remember right.

She nods. "That's right. I sleep for several decades and I wake without memories. Red Son and others fought hard for me, to stop the hibernation cycle and keep my memories. Everyone was so happy when it succeeded. I was happy."

"But when I hung up with Wukong I had this thought that I wish I could go to sleep and wake up new again. Start over."

Her eyes well up. "I don't really want that. But I can't stop thinking it."

Oh. That thought is crushingly sad. He frowns and reaches out to gently lay a hand on hers.

"Intrusive thoughts are part of depression. And it sounds like, for a while now, you've been fighting it. And having those thoughts? ...They are more normal than you might think. Surprisingly. Most people have them. A clean slate? To forget everything else, forget the bad, I understand why that would be not comforting but perhaps alluring in these darker times."

Saya nods as her eyes spill over. She's less fully crying than just shedding tears.

"A while, yes. After my hibernation cycle was stopped, everyone was on a high. Then my closest friend vanished, and two of my romantic partners. One I saw on the street not long ago... he looked right through me. He didn't remember who I was." A sick reversal of her life.

"And Red Son figured that my Chevalier might be still alive, but I can't get to him. And ever since I was told that, the walls of my memories are cracking open. I found out that I had to kill my twin sister not once, but three times, on three different worlds. All of my memories are of me hurting people. That's all I seem to do."

"And then everything with Porty happened, and MK's heart game... well, you saw everything didn't you? I messed up. I was walking through that game like an open wound because I thought keeping my walls up would hurt MK, but it made me too emotional. I destroyed that doll of Wukong and it almost led to MK being destroyed."

She shakes her head. "I feel like this is my punishment for wanting to defy fate. Like maybe I'm going bad like Porty did because I was never meant to be awake and keep my memories for this long."

It is so much. Saya is struggling with all this weight of memories, pain, trauma, and blame. He lets her tears fall.

"You've been through Hell, literally, and then some. You are feeling the full weight of memories you've never had to have before. Entire centuries of memories, seeping through the cracks. And it is the bad ones, the trauma memories, that stick to us the easiest. That embed themselves into our minds and cling to us. I don't know much about fate or destiny. I know about punishment. I don't think this is truly a punishment but it is traumatic for you."

Lucifer pauses to think for a moment. "The Heart Game, yes. I did watch with everyone else in the room. You could not have known that Wukong, even in that form, was the key to shattering MK's soul. And he recovered. I do not think you are going bad like Porty. He's a clone, a copy trying to find his way to self actualization. You are your own person. And you, for all your strength and speed and immortality, physically harm washes right off you. Mentally? Emotionally? You're heart is big, you yearn for love, to be loved, and to love others. It is part of who you are. Biology plays a role in it for you but it is also who you are as a person. Who you are now."

Lucifer swallows. "And right now, you are taking the toll of losing people you love, friends and partners, one of them without their memories of you and your love. You are incredible and anyone would hurt and break under all of this. It is okay to not be okay. And I will help you find your way through this. However long it might take. Whatever you might need. And that is something to focus on. What you need to help recover and heal."

"MK recovered... but who knows what harm I did that can't be undone? He deserves so much better than that. I went in there to help him, but I think I did more harm than good." Clearly this is eating at her.

"I'm far from the only one who lost people to the whims of the multiverse, or experienced pain like this. Normally I can brush it off, I just can't anymore. And I have no idea what to do about it. I wish I knew what could help me, but if I ask the people I love, if I tell them I'm feeling this way, isn't that just more of me hurting people? I want to stop hurting people."

"The only way to know is to talk to him. Spend time with him and see if he's changed," Lucifer said softly. "And if he had changed dramatically, Wukong would have told me. So he hasn't done any sudden 180s. And you are used to brushing it off but because you had to. Because you knew you would eventually forget. That doesn't happen anymore. It hurts more if you don't tell people. If you hide it. I'm not hurt with you talking to me like this. Am I sad for you? Of course. But it isn't painful for me unlike me discovering you were suffering in silence and felt you had no one to go to," Lucifer explained.

"If it helps, at all, you've never hurt me for as long as we've known each other. It isn't like you are telling those around you that they aren't enough. It is you telling those you care about you need them more than ever right now. Because you need us to help, in whatever way we can. Like you've been there for all of us."

"If I spend time with him, there's no way he won't notice how I'm feeling. Wukong too. I think that's why I said no to hanging out with him. If I did, then I'd have to explain all this and it'll just spread the misery around since they both feel guilty about everything with the same reliability that I do." Which is how she knows it'll be a thing.

"I'm just... so tired. I'd get like this toward the end of my waking cycle, I think. I guess that could be because I knew what was about to happen."

"Though as a counterpoint, they may surprise you. Given Wukong was in the same game and it was MK's game. They may not feel as guilty. I understand not wanting to rehash what you're feeling. But Cognitive Behavioral Therapy says spending time doing things you like, with people you like, can help with thoughts and feelings. It is something to consider, is all I am saying. And maybe you should speak with Red Son? Perhaps this might be some side effect of the treatment? Maybe it wasn't just a one time cure all?"

Lucifer has no fucking clue but like, if it worked once, maybe it needed to be redone?

"You don't think it'll make them feel bad?" She doubts it. Those two are as talented as she is at making everything their fault, especially since it was MK's heart game, which Wukong probably feels shitty about since if he hadn't died then Relius would never have gotten his hands on MK.

"I can try to talk to Red Son about another treatment. That at least can't hurt, we know it won't have bad effects on me.. Other medication has made me go berserk and hurt people, and I promised that no one would have to kill me again." She's not sure what all Lucifer knows about that, in retrospect, but it just slipped out. It doesn't seem worth trying anything else.

"I honestly don't know but I would think not in the way you might be thinking. I don't think they would blame themselves. I don't think they would turn it on themselves. Would they feel sympathy for you, their friend, who is hurting? Yes. I know they would. Because they are kind caring people with big hearts. And they have been hurt too so they ache when someone they care about hurts too," Lucifer said with confidence.

"I think that is a good idea. That way, at least, someone who understands the treatment is aware. ...And I was unaware people had to kill you before due to something like that. I understand wanting to shield others from that burden. You don't shield yourself from it. Perhaps because you know the pain of it all to well, especially right now?"

Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

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