dadbeatdad | Seasons - Lucifer's Voicemail

Macaque brings his leaden arms up to cling to Lucifer. He's projecting misery in every way.

"He told me that he's dating Wylan. A kid, and my boyfriend's kid. And I--"

"When I first met MK, he was a kid to me. It took a lot of mental work to see him as a peer instead, after I found out he was interested in me. And now, with him dating someone younger than my daughter, and the son of my significant other..."

"And I couldn't ask him to break things off with Wylan. The poor boy would be even more miserable than he already is."

He burrows against Lucifer's shoulder. "I said maybe we should think about it for a while, see what we can do, but he wanted to break things off while we try and see if there's a way around it. I think he thinks that having that conversation again would be even harder."

MK and Wylan. Learning under any other circumstances he would think it cute. Wylan could have someone happy and bright to help bring him out of the darkness he seems to settle into. But it cost this. He holds Macaque tight and runs his fingers through Macaque's hair, doing his best to listen and comfort his mate. He looks miserable, he sounds miserable, he somehow even feels small and sad in his arms.

"And now that he's dating someone you see as a child, especially Wash's son, it weakens what you did to bring MK up as a peer in your eyes." It sounds complicated and horribly painful, to lose something they both seemed to fight for for so long.

"Perhaps for him it would be? I don't know. What about you? Do you think that would be harder or easier if another solution couldn't be found?"

Macaque feels small and sad. He feels like complete hell in every way. Being in Lucifer's arms helps a little, but nothing can truly help right now.

"Yeah. I'm not sure I can do the mental gymnastics to see MK as my peer when he's with Wylan, while I see Wylan as a kid. It seems like something big would have to change in my mind, and I just don't know. It's all making my head spin, and I miss MK terribly." Even though it's only been a few hours.

"I was just saying how happy I was. It's like I cursed myself."

Macaque chokes back a light sob. He's a disaster right now. "I don't know what would be harder or easier. All I know is that everything feels impossible, and I want there to be some solution that will let MK stay my mate. But I can't see one."

Lucifer hugs Macaque tighter. He keeps petting Macaque and summons his wings to wrap him up in them. Trying to help him feel as safe as he can, though he's sure it doesn't ease the pain more than a little. Familiar aching pain that sinks into the heart and takes root there. That grows and wraps the heart up so it feels like there's no escape, no way to free yourself. That familiar aching pain.

"...It's a hard puzzle to figure out. How to accept them dating without changing how you see either of them. Are you in a place for me to help you figure it out? I'm here to try my best if you are now, or later. I'm so sorry, love. I know you didn't curse yourself. Things just seem to happen, beside everyone's best intentions."

The wings help a little, which is to say as much as anything could. Macaque keeps burrowing against his mate. He feels so empty and desolate right now.

"Yes, please. Please try to help me figure this out. I didn't want to break up, and I don't want to stay broken up. I've been wracking my brain to try and get it to let things work."

Lucifer keeps wings and arms wrapped around his mate. He starts to think on how to help with this. To help them return to one another with his intact. Ending the relationship between Mk and Wylan isn't an answer. Can't go down that route. It's how to help Macaque perhaps accept not a full change but an openness to transition?

"Kids grow up, even though for you they may seem the same. Could you see yourself acknowledging that Wylan is growing into adulthood, if possible?"

Macaque curls up on Lucifer, exhausted and distraught.

"I can... but in the same way that my children are growing up and coming into early adulthood. I associate him with my children, in that same grouping. Especially since he's between the two of them in age."

Something in Macaque's words gives Lucifer pause.

"Do you see him as a child who may become one of your own kids one day? Joining that family unit?"

"Wash and I are nowhere close to that. But... potentially, perhaps. Yes, it's something that crossed my mind now and then once Wash and I started growing closer and got together officially."

That complicates things. Very much complicates things if that is the possible future. Or inevitable, given how in sync Wash and Macaque already are and they're still exploring their relationship. Which makes this problem all the more delicate. How can he convince Macaque to not see Wylan as a child when he has thought about adopting him as another of his children? And then work to separate that from his mate, Mk, being in a relationship with that same Wylan.

Lucifer is quiet as he tries to think how to untangle this problem but he's only succeeded as making it even more tangled in his own mind.

"Did you ever think of Mk as a kid?"

Yeah, it's a pickle isn't it? Macaque hasn't been so presumptuous as to see him and Wash being a family unit, nor that Wylan would necessarily want another parent, but the thought is there all the same. The potential. A future he could maybe have wanted, until today.

"Yes. When we first met. Until a little past finding out that he was interested in me. When I learned that, I had to rework my image of him entirely."

Okay, this might be a way to help Macaque. Lucifer hopes anyway.

"Can you walk me through how you did that? If you remember?"

"I remember." It wasn't so long ago.

"He was a kid to me. A student. And then I learned that Red and he were together. Red, who is immortal like me, who is closer to my age than not. Who I see as a peer. That helped. Trying to think of MK as a legal adult according to human society helped some. And some of it was just spending time with him and considering what it might be like to be with him -- sexually, I mean. Emotionally, at the time, I was nowhere near ready. It was a slow process, and I fought myself most of the way."

So it was part thanks to Red Son, that makes sense. Also Mk's adult feelings and just spending time thinking of him that light. Lucifer will need to think how that could be used to help transfer the ideas to Wylan, if that was possible. Though since Wylan feels connected to his own kids, that might be another angle.

"Alright. And your kids. As they grow, they will always be your children but you do acknowledge they will also become adults as well, right? I ask not in a judging way but in trying to help me follow your logic to help you with unraveling all of this."

"I know that they will. They'll be amazing adults."

"But they'll still be my kids. I wouldn't date one of them, or their mate Eve."

"I mean, of course you wouldn't. I just wanted to get a feel that adulthood and seeing them as your children and your peers at the same time is the future," Lucifer clarified. He ran his fingers through Macaque's hair and kissed his forehead.

"What if say Choco-chan and Red Son became close? Can you think on that for a moment and tell me how that would also make you feel?"

"They'll be adults, but they'll still be my children. I get the peer thing, sort of, but I can't square that with the dating thing."

"You mean close as in mates?" He winces.

"I did yes, though that since tells me quite a lot. I'm guessing the same roadblock appears in your mind?"

"I wouldn't be able to stay as mates with Red and call Choco my daughter. One would have to give, and I'm never giving up my child. So."

"Of course not," Lucifer knew he could never give up Charlie as his daughter. Of course Macaque couldn't give her up. This was a very hard problem to untangle.

"I will admit, this is very much a tricky problem."

Macaque deflates somewhat. "It is. There's a reason we had to break up. I couldn't detangle it right then and there, and I don't know how long it would take me to do so. If I even could."

"Thank you, though. Thank you for trying to help. What I want is MK back, and I am trying to keep that in my mind so I don't give up."

"I'm not going to give up helping you. One way or another. I will think on this and try to see if there are any books in the library about...anything similar to this," Lucifer kisses Macaque on the forehead again.

"We'll figure out about something. I am not going to stop until you tell me to."

Macaque draws a shaky, sobbing breath and kisses Lucifer gently, chastely on the mouth. "I love you. I hope nothing ever happens where I lose you." Those awful possibilities are on his mind now, understandably.

Lucifer kisses back, chastely and soft. He presses their foreheads together.

"I love you too. Nothing is going to happen that will cause you to lose me. Absolutely nothing, love. I know that like I know the sky in Hell is red."

"A few hours ago, I knew that nothing could cause me to lose MK, but I was wrong." His voice is breaking here and there.

"I hope you're right. Please be right."

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